ADARE

Language of the Self

My understanding of myself has evolved alongside the vocabulary available to describe it. As a kid, I was just "weird and hyper." Later, I tried on "lesbian," but it felt like playing a role because dresses were just dress-up. "Gay" felt better and less gendered, then "queer" arrived with more panache. Non-binary was a great fit, but "genderfluid" was puuurfect.

It captures how my gender flows. Sometimes I’m masculine, ranging from low-key "dude energy" to a flamboyant gay man. Other times, I’m a strong feminine, the kind that builds houses and fixes cars. And then there are the moments where I’m neither and gender feels like something far, far away.

Chosen Family and Lineage

Lineage is such an odd thing for me. Being adopted, I didn't really have a strong connection to the history of my adopted family, and even though I know my birth family, I didn't always feel a strong tie to that lineage either. I loved my mom and dad, of course, and my grandparents were amazing, but past that I just felt untethered.

Recently, however, I connected with my half-sister, half-brothers, and father. It has been like my puzzle pieces finally fit with theirs, though it is still a complex process to take on a lineage that I didn't grow up with.

I found other lineages instead. The first was art. It is still so deep and feels very real to me; the artists who came before and will come after me are all one big family. Then there are the queer, neuro-spicy, poly peeps who have been the most amazing family I could ever ask for. I feel safe, loved, and fully seen within this group of caring and daring individuals. I am a better person for their love. They show me the way to move forward, which allows me the opportunity to show others how to move forward with integrity and a full acceptance of the totality of who I am.