Ember

Transformation and Resilience

All humans, transgender or not, are capable of experiencing the transformative death of a past self and the rebirth of a new self. The beauty of the transgender experience, I think, is that we are often made to explore this concept intensely. Dysphoria causes us to question things that others take for granted - the nature of self and how it fits into society as a whole.

Fire is the perfect medium for this conversation. In that context, transitioning is less like the creation of something new, and more like the burning away of old patterns, identities, and survival strategies that no longer fit. Unlike more popular metaphors (like the journey from caterpillar to butterfly), the metaphor of fire speaks to the process of breaking something down into its most basic elements in a way that releases light, heat, and the possibility of entirely unique and unpredictable outcomes.

Since I was a teen, I have been drawn to authors like Kim Stanley Robinson (Mars Trilogy and Years of Rice and Salt) who explore the concept of reincarnation in the context of change and growth throughout one’s life. As long as we remain curious and willing to challenge ourselves, we will live life as a series of transformations, deaths, and rebirths.

The Language of the Self

For me the quest for accurate self descriptors has been especially tricky. My journey of gender-identity has simultaneously led to the realization that I have DID (dissociative identity disorder) which is inseparable from my transness. It means that my identity is fluid and heavily context dependent, and at the same time I don’t relate to the term “gender-fluid” as a whole. I’ve tried several different labels for myself over the years. “Gay guy in a girl’s body.” “Non-Binary.” “Trans man.” “Trans masc.” “Goblin.” At this point I’ve stopped trying to find an accurate single gender description. I am queer, and I am a multitude. That is good enough. Anyone who wants to know me more specifically than that will simply have to spend the time experiencing it.