Mosses/Palehua

Navigating Public and Private Spaces

Gender-diverse individuals often have to perform a constant "inventory" of their surroundings for safety or belonging. How does the way you move through the world change depending on the space you are in, and what does it mean to find a space where you feel truly "seen" without explanation?

Growing up in Hawai'i, in the confusing world of the Foster System, I quickly learned that there were always rules to the world. I learned the harsh consequences of breaking said rules, and the effects it has on everyone, not just the person falling out of line. So I did my best to always follow the rules, in order to survive. Survive was the key, to make it to 18, and one thing was certain, you break the rules, you get removed from the home, back to square one, back to trying to find safety in another temporary family. This theme is so similar to those like me who have grown up scared to be themselves, because being themselves means breaking the rules, and when you break the rules? Back to square one. We can understand that concept, for things like assault, theft, and even murder.. but how did being too feminine, make its way on that list too? So the drag really begins, the behaviors that were anything but masculine were shamed, so I quickly learned to keep quiet, speak when spoken to, and keep my head down around adults and any authoritative figure.. I learned to keep quiet because if I got too excited around them they'd point out my high pitched voice. I learned to be me, by myself. I sang when no one was listening, I watched my sisters with admiration as they brushed their beautiful locks of hair, my sisters who were also survivors, that as children, did their best to shelter and care for their brothers that were constantly picked on for their femininity. They shared their dolls and crafts, and became our first best friends, who truly saw us, and loved us unconditionally, even though as a child, I could have never told you that. They were my family, and we did our best to stay together as long as we could. Back then, I came to realize that I can keep quiet, but I can't change how I think, how I speak, how I feel.. I can't change.. So my skin thickened, I learned to keep walking, walk away, duck, dive and swerve every mean action word and thought my way. I learned to bite before I got bitten, and learned how to heal wounds no one even knew I had. I hid my longing for the stage, my longing to flip my hair, and dance to the pussycat dolls. The days when I'd steal my sisters CD's that her best friends would burn for her at school, I'd perform Don'tcha like I was the 6th member of the Dolls, prancing around, like I was hannah montana herself, because like her, I also had a secret, that would quickly be silenced as soon as we heard our foster parents chevy blazer pull up, and we'd quickly shuffle things away and pretend like we weren't using the radio. This was survival. Trying my best to get to 18.

It's been 12 years since I hit 18. I remember 18, I yearned to be free, make every choice I could, because I could. Found a community teaching Zumba Fitness, then lived a few years trying to figure out how to be me. I am thankful for my Zumba community, it was the first space that I entered where I felt safe and praised for my femininity, as a student, I could just be me again.. suddenly it was like I could dance without fear.. So I became an instructor, and decided I wanted to make others feel this way too. Years have gone by since then, and they have become my chosen family. A chosen family that was patient, kind and encouraging of me and the 1 thing I grew up shameful for. At 21 I lost my hanai father, who was an incredible mentor to me.. and that pain birthed the explosion of the persona known as Palehua. A result of true heartache and despair, I needed her, and I felt I had nothing else to lose, I did what I truly wanted, I produced a show that showed my community who I was. I'd say I jumped from one side of the gender spectrum to the other. To my surprise.. I did it so well, it was like second nature. It felt like something I was supposed to do. There was no shame, in fact there still isn't. My community witnessed it, its beauty and it's messy, we celebrated, that was it.. then it would be back to the usual for me, but that was just the start. Soon later, as I performed more, I started that feeling again, the same one I got when I took a Zumba class. I looked forward to performing because I felt safe, I knew I would be around people like me, who long to find a space where they can just feel safe. So I did it for 5 years, until I decided once or twice a month just wasn't enough anymore. The people were coming out, and I was so honored, not because they came to see me, but because they created a safe space for each other where they can breathe and live life a little easier for an hour or 2.. and they think this whole thing is about me.. I laugh. I truly wish that were the case. 2024 and Palehua has her first weekly show, a year and half later she adds another. Why? because the space that I am leading, whether it be a Zumba class or a Drag Show becomes a safe space for people like me, and as I was raised by my community, I am to give back to it too. I have lived a life where we have to code switch, play by the rules or risk exile. I know that my existence challenges that. We, as mahu, are master investigators and will think of every possible scenario before making any decision, we pick up on every side eye, every flinch or face of disgust. We can tell when someone is upset when no one else does, why? because when we are upset we know how it feels to be ignored. As I enter my thirties, I think of the duty that has been given to me to provide safe spaces, and why I feel it is so important. Truth is, if I don't feel safe, I am not going, I am leaving immediately, my safety is and will always be my priority. So of course I make it my current goal to create more spaces, so that my community, the chosen family that shows up every week to check in, to update crazy life choices, debrief tough family dinners, and celebrate things need attention. Feeling seen sometimes feels like not being seen at all. It is comfort without rules, existence without expectation. I hope that as I continue to evolve, my chosen family does too, and I know that. I do my best to always be in a safe space, I am usually in one or creating one, I have learned to code-switch thanks to my upbringing, I will always have a survivor who I know will get me through.